A Request For a Second Chance to Make a First Impression

 

October is ADHD Awareness Month.
Are you ADHD aware? 

 

Most individuals you ask who have ADHD, whether they are kids, teenagers or adults, sadly feel like most people don’t understand them – including me.

This isn’t surprising really, as ADHD symptom expression can be really confusing and frustrating, not to mention socially inappropriate.

Just think about it ….

One minute a child with ADHD is struggling to focus on their school work. The next, they’re focused intensely on their Lego and refusing to come to the dinner table.

A teenager with ADHD may be totally obsessed with a new topic or activity this week, and totally uninterested the next.

An adult with ADHD may be highly intelligent and brilliantly creative, but totally disorganised, perpetually late and never finish anything.

Not to mention, that some individuals with ADHD, whilst being really friendly and lots of fun, may interrupt others, over share, ask too many questions or talk too much. While others may become overly excited or get frustrated very quickly.

Yep! These ADHD traits are not considered desirable by anyone, not even those with ADHD. Nor are they the behaviours individuals who want to be liked by others or want to succeed in life, display. Instead they are rather annoying, intrusive and inconvenient.

And there begs the question every adult with ADHD has heard a million times…..

“Why don’t you just change?”

Along with comments like ….

“We have the power to control our thoughts, words and actions. So pull your socks up and start making better choices!”

Whilst this judgemental conclusion is really damaging, it is completely understandable.

Let me explain:

If you are an individual who has really good self-control, when you have to do something that you really don’t feel like doing, but know if you don’t there will be consequences, you tend to have the ability to make yourself “just do it.” It’s almost like you have a ‘just get it done button’ that you can press and hey presto, task completed – accurately and on time.

Therefore, if you decide you are not going to do something, despite the consequences, you make a wilful, conscious choice not to.

Additionally, when you have really good self-control, if you think thoughts or have an initial emotional reaction that if expressed will either result in others having a negative opinion of you, or get in the way of you achieving your goals, you are generally able to keep your thoughts in your head or calm yourself down, think about how to best handle the situation, and then express yourself in a more socially appropriate manner. (And all this happens in less than a blink of an eye).

Hence, when kids and adults with ADHD aren’t able to make themselves “just do it,” it can be easy to jump to the conclusion that the reason they did not complete an expected task is because they made a wilful choice not to and are therefore being deliberately naughty or defiant. 

Or if they don’t get a required task completed accurately or on time, it’s because they have been lazy and need a kick up the backside.

Alternatively, one may automatically presume an individual with ADHD who is struggling emotionally and acting out is being a drama queen. Or that they are purposely expressing their emotions (both physically and verbally) in order to manipulate others to get what they want.

So whilst it’s easy to understand why ADHD is hard for people to wrap their head around, those of us with ADHD or have kids with ADHD would really appreciate a second chance to make a first impression – please.

Why?

Because being constantly misunderstood, criticised, judged, ignored or excluded and made to feel inadequate because you can’t always control your thoughts, words and behaviour well enough to meet everyone’s expectations (even when you are trying your darn hardest), really hurts. 

Research show that individuals with ADHD tend to feel frustrated, embarrassed, humiliated, demoralised and discouraged, as well as ashamed, inadequate, unworthy and regretful. They are also inclined to believe they are fundamentally different, flawed or broken, and often come to anticipate or predict future failure (Barkley, 2015).

These feelings undoubtedly contribute to the reason why having ADHD significantly increases the risk of anxiety and depression, oppositional and defiant disorder, drug and alcohol abuse, criminal activity, eating disorders, self-harm and suicide. In fact the suicide risk of individuals with ADHD is 1.8 times higher than the general population (Barbaresi et al., 2013).

Additionally, these presumptions are just NOT true – and the research proves it. For there is overwhelming and irrefutable evidence that shows the behaviour displayed by individuals with ADHD is beyond their own choice and beyond their own making (Barkley, 2015).

Instead, this behaviour is an externalised expression of ADHD symptoms. Symptoms that stem from genetic brain differences that produce alterations in brain development, structure, connectivity and function, especially in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for your executive functions.

Your executive functions are the mental abilities you rely on for self-control, such as your ability to:

• Pause
• Inhibit habitual or instinctive responses
• Self-reflect, self-monitor and be self-aware
• Recall memories in the form of words and actions
• Hold information in your mind, without interruption
• Manipulate and process information
• Problem solve
• Contemplate the future 
• Self-motivate
• Delay gratification
• Regulate and mediate your emotions

They help you to regulate and control your thoughts words, actions, motivation and emotions. They also help you to perceive and sense time, as well as organise your behaviour across time, in order to plan and prepare for the future.

However, individuals with ADHD have deficient executive functions, and therefore lack the ability to regulate and control their behaviour in the same way neurotypical individuals can.

The research shows children with ADHD significantly lag behind their peers in the development of their brain’s executive functions by approximately 30% or 3-6 years. Additionally, when they eventually develop their full executive function capacity, the majority tend to only develop approximately 75-80% of the capacity of their neurotypical peers (Barkley, 2015).

Which explains why we do what we do, even if it’s not always great.

Please know, I am not explaining all this so we can start using our ADHD as an excuse. We know our ADHD is not an excuse, its only an explanation.

But because, parents who have kids with ADHD, as well as adults with ADHD, all around the world are crying out for understanding and acceptance. And for compassion and support. We are desperate for the stigma and judgement to end. And to feel like we belong, that our kids belong.

We also need your help.

You see, even though we are entirely responsible for managing our ADHD behaviour traits, we often need your assistance to do so. As some of the best management strategies we can use involve asking for support from our family, friends and work colleagues.

For example:

“Please give me a signal if I start to interrupt or begin to hijack the conversation.”

“If I want to rush out and buy the latest [insert item here]. Please encourage me to wait a few days to make sure I really want it.”

“Could you please help me find a way to organise my cupboards so I can keep them tidy?”

“Please can you give me a nudge at 9.30pm to remind me to turn the computer off and go to bed?”

And most importantly:

” Please forgive me when I make a mistake. I really didn’t mean to let you down.”

Your understanding, compassion and assistance will be very much appreciated, and hugely support us in our endeavour to be our best selves and to contribute to the world in meaningful ways. For underneath all of our challenges you will find individuals with hearts of gold; a capacity for incredible empathy; spontaneous, creative and inventive imaginations; a strong sense of justice; and the desire to make the world a better place.

Thank you in advance – from all of us.

 

For blog post references please go here.