Coming to Terms with ADHD

 

When my son and I were diagnosed with ADHD a few years back, I really struggled to cope. I found myself overwhelmed with personal grief as well as fearful for my son’s future.

Once I started to show myself compassion and understanding, I was able to pick up the pieces and day by day things started to get better. Gratefully overtime not only did I find peace and contentment but also my purpose in life.

I wrote this post at the time (which has been previously shared on another forum). I’m sharing it once more as I am aware there are other people right now who are going through a similar experience. I hope it helps x

 

I have been struggling with overwhelming grief since my son and I were diagnosed with ADHD. So much so I have been finding it difficult to eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. I have withdrawn from friends and have been avoiding social situations. I am not motivated to put any effort into my work which is now affecting my livelihood.

I know that dreaded black cloud is encroaching above me. 

The awareness around how this disorder has negatively affected my life has been devastating. Knowing my brain does not work as it should and my executive function capacity and working memory is poor, really hurts. The realisation ADHD is the main reason I have struggled to fit in and communicate well (something I highly value) is distressing. Discovering people with ADHD often put themselves at risk, are often victims of trauma, have difficulty keeping their life in order and tend to not achieve to their full potential, is deeply upsetting and extremely confronting. 

All of which is exacerbated by the painful loss I feel because I know that things could have been different if I had just received the right care and support as a child. 

Sure, learning my life could greatly improve with treatment and support is very positive and offers me hope for the future (we all need that). However, knowing the journey will be like a person with a tremor trying to learn to be a neuro-surgeon makes it feel overwhelmingly hard and a bit hopeless.

But although I always seem to be in tears at the moment, I am a fighter. Even the psychologist I have started seeing has picked up on this. I do not want to stay stuck in this grief no matter how hard the journey a head is nor will I let the black cloud take residence. I value myself and my family too much to let that happen.

So, as of today I have decided it is time to move forward and pick up the pieces no matter how hard. I have also decided I’m not going to feel bad about myself because I did not know I had ADHD or because I did not receive the care and support I required. Nor will I beat myself up for my past lack of insight, the social mistakes I made or the behaviours I resorted to in order to cope with the adversity this disorder has caused in my life (including my past binge eating, excessive drinking or chain-smoking). And I’m not going to berate myself about any of the ways I self-destructed, put myself at risk, abused my body or caused myself pain.

Instead, I have decided I am going to show myself enormous compassion – for my little, lost, younger self was just doing the best she could with the knowledge, understanding and awareness she had at the time. She didn’t know any better.

As even though I was was diagnosed as being hyperactive as a child, I never made the connection. Why would I when I had been told you grow out of being hyperactive when you reach puberty (which I interpreted to mean that all my problems were because I was lazy, dumb, selfish, pigheaded, not trying hard enough, personally flawed … Thankfully I now know that is not true)?

Nor did I receive the care and support offered to young people diagnosed with the ADHD these days. Instead, I received lectures, criticism, rejection and punishment for my challenging behaviour; behaviour I now know was beyond my own choice and beyond my own ability to control. No wonder it hurt so damn much when I used to try so hard and still found myself in trouble. 

I can’t help but admire and applaud myself for recognising there was a chance things could be different when my life was in tatters all those years ago and for being willing and determined to pick up the pieces and to try and turn my life around.

There are so many lessons embedded in those painful experiences and in this current one as well. They are ALL part of the rich tapestry that is my life, which continues to unfold before me as I learn and grow each day. For with each life experience I become stronger, more resilient and more empowered than before.

From now on I am going to learn everything I can about ADHD and use this information to really get to know myself and how my brain works. And I’m going to access all the resources I can find and ask for help whenever I need it. It’s time to start thinking more about my strengths and how I can tap into them more often. To set small goals that will enable me to take charge of my challenges and to finally gain a sense of control over my life. 

But most importantly, during this journey I am going to treat myself with compassion. I am going to be my own best friend, cheer myself on and catch myself if I fall. And I am going to allow myself to stop chasing perfection and instead seek peace and contentment within me. 

Because I am worth it.