Just Putting it Out There

 

How the parent-child dance can contribute to
combative and defiant behaviour.

 

As we all know, our kids with ADHD can be inattentive, impulsive, uninhibited, overactive, demanding and/or disruptive. They forget to do what they were asked; often break the rules; need constant reminders and redirection; answer back or argue with us; and are easily frustrated and prone to emotional outbursts.

Because of their challenges, I so understand that giving our kids the time and attention they need can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Whilst coping with their behaviour and emotional outbursts can be extremely taxing.

Believe me there have been times when I have totally lost insight into why my son is behaving as his is. When I’ve taken his behaviour personally and reacted in a way that does not make me proud. And times when I have felt I can no longer cope and have thought about running away.

It is interesting to note, that according to the research, the toll our kids behaviour has on us parents can be compounded if we:

• Forget that our child’s behaviour is due to their neurological differences and their inability to self-regulate, and start believing that it is wilful, spiteful, manipulative or intentional
• Lose sight of our child’s strengths and positive attributes, and begin to view them in a negative way
• Have other stressors draining our energy (i.e. lack of sleep, ill-health, relationship/work/financial difficulties, etc.)
• Have poorly managed ADHD or depression ourselves, or use alcohol or illicit drugs
• Are not aware of or confident using a consistent parenting approach; one that has been shown to support kids with ADHD

Over time, all of the above, can lead to us becoming more and more over-reactive or less-responsive to our child with ADHD.

For example, when tired or overwhelmed we may:

• Be inconsistent with our parenting approach i.e. we may vary between –
  • Giving in when our child protests
  • Arguing or yelling at our child due to our frustration
  • Using harsh, punitive punishment to enforce our own way
• Give them less acknowledgement or rewards for their compliance or appropriate behaviour and vocalisations
• Initiate fewer verbal or social interactions with them and keep our distance when we can 

Although understandable, this parenting dance, according to the research, can be a large contributing factor in the development of coercive, oppositional and defiant behaviour in kids with ADHD. It can also damage family relationships and result in the home resembling a battlefield.

Please note: coercive, oppositional and defiant behaviour can also be due solely to ADHD and the child’s temperament (Barkley, 2015).

Here’s some examples from Danforth (2006), which show how a child’s behaviour may develop into becoming oppositional or defiant:

A = parent tells child to put toy away
B = child whines noisily
C = parent does not make the child put the toy away
Future = child cries and whines more when told to put fun things away

A = child is loud, or cries, or whines, or argues
B = parent allows child to “have their way”
C = child stops being loud, or crying/whining, or arguing
Future = parent allows child to have their way and this functions to avoid/escape loud, whining, or arguing

In both these scenario’s, the parent and the child behave in a way that enables them to avoid an unpleasant circumstance. Although unintentional, interactions like these reinforce to the child that “if I behave in this way I will get what I want.”

If you recognise yourself in the above scenarios, you are not alone. According to Danforth (2006) this pattern is the typical way for adults to react to ADHD behaviour, not the exception.

If you are participating in this parental-child dance, please don’t misinterpret this message or fall into self-blame, guilt or sadness. Instead use this insight to give yourself the opportunity to learn to do things a different way.

Your sanity is worth it. 

 

The above explanation about the development of ODD in children with ADHD is based on a review of direct observation research of interactions between parents and their hyperactive children by Danforth, Barkley, & Stokes, 1991 (reference below). As stated above, ODD can also be due solely to ADHD and the child’s temperament (Barkley, 2015).

 

To better understand meltdowns and 
how to reduce them, 
click here.

 

Blog Post References References Available here.