My Number One ADHD Parenting Strategy – Listening with Empathy

 

I was asked today what I felt was the most important parenting skill we can use to support our kids with ADHD.

Without hesitation, my answer was listening with empathy.

Why?

Firstly because our kids with ADHD tend to struggle with emotional dysregulation challenges and listening with empathy is the most effective way of helping our kids gain control of their emotions. 

You see, when a child with ADHD is emotionally triggered, cortisol (the stress hormone) surges through their body. This activates the fight or flight response and effectively prevents them from accessing the part of their brain responsible for self-control, the prefrontal cortex. Without access to their prefrontal cortex, a child with ADHD has little ability or no ability to calm themselves down, think clearly and process information, as they cannot use their limited executive function capacity.

However, by listening to a child with ADHD with the intention of understanding their experience or point-of-view, we can effectively help them to calm down, process their emotions and think more clearly. We also tend to open up teachable moments and increase the chance they will happily collaborate with us in identifying preventative or management strategies they can experiment with in the future.

Secondly, kids who feel heard, understood, loved and valued are more likely to want to act in a way that helps them maintain the secure connection they have with us. They also tend to be more open to learning about their ADHD, as well as the importance of self-acceptance and self-care, and to trialling strategies that may help them manage their challenges.

Lastly, as we need to foster the protective skill of self-compassion in our kids with ADHD as most of them will go on to become adults with ADHD (who will need to embrace their strengths, manage their challenges, and support themselves emotionally on a daily basis), listening with empathy provides an effective means of doing so. For as you would know, there is no better way of teaching a behaviour or fostering a way of thinking than role modelling.

So how do we listen to our kids with empathy?

By quietly pausing and listening with the aim to understand their point of view.

By listening to what they are saying, as well as how they are saying it (as well as what they are not saying).

And by acknowledging and validating their feelings whilst reserving judgement and avoiding giving advice.

And yes, you can listen and understand without condoning behaviour.

Below you will find an example of listening with empathy. I hope this fabulous parenting tool is, or becomes, one you use on a daily basis with your kids.

Lou x

 

An example of how to listen with empathy.

Nine year old Sam slams down his iPod in frustration and starts banging his fists aggressively on the couch whilst cursing out loud.

His outburst breaks the calm mood of the house and triggers many feelings in his mum Julie. These feelings stem from:

• Annoyance (Julie was happily daydreaming whilst making dinner, before she was interrupted by Sam. She is annoyed by the interruption and by the fact she has to drag herself away from her planned routine to attend to him – yet again. And that as a result, she probably will not get all her chores done on time to watch her favourite TV program tonight).
• Concern (Julie is really worried about Sam. She is concerned that if he doesn’t learn to control his emotions it will lead to negative consequences for him later in life. There have been a few issues at school already).
• Frustration (Julie is aware that Sam seems to be having more and more difficulties managing his emotions. If the trigger isn’t losing a game on his iPod, it’s something else. She can’t help thinking, “Why can’t he just hurry up and grow out of it?”).

Thankfully Mum has learned that it is never a good time to deal with Sam’s behaviour when she is triggered. So instead of giving into her urge to control Sam’s anger, she stops, closes her eyes and takes deep breaths to settle herself.

She also reminds herself that:

• The reason Sam gets so frustrated and has difficulty managing his emotions is because he has ADHD. Emotional regulation challenges are part of the disorder.
• Sam’s reaction is not personal. He is not trying to upset her or to manipulate her.
• Sam’s outburst is because he cannot cope with his intense feelings, so her role is to help him calm down and to teach him how to cope with his emotions.
• If she doesn’t keep her cool and respond calmly when she is triggered, how on earth can she expect him to learn how to.

Now mum is ready to approach Sam from a place of empathy and understanding.

Mum goes over to Sam and sits next to him on the couch. She says, “Sam I can see that you are really upset. What happened?”

Sam: “(Frustrated moan). I’ve been trying to collect all these coins in the game so that I can go up a level. It has taken me days to collect coins. I nearly had enough but then I just lost them all. It’s not fair!”

Mum: “Wow. That must have been very frustrating for you.”

Sam: “Yes it was. I hate it when this happens!”

Mum: “Yeah, I bet. We all feel like that when we try our hardest and something goes wrong. It’s very annoying.”

Sam: (yelling) “It sure is. I’m so cross! And now my iPod is going to turn off because it’s nearly dinner time. I hate that you make it turn off.”

Mum: (calmly states) “I can imagine that knowing your iPod is going to turn off soon must add to your disappointment.”

Sam: “It does. Now I’m never going to be able to get enough coins to go up a level. All the other kids at school are already up to level 10 and I’m only at level 7.”

Mum: “Oh, mate. No wonder you’re upset. You want to be at the same level as your friends.”

Sam “It’s just not fair!”

Mum: “I’m sorry this is so hard…I wish I could do something to get all your coins back.”

Sam: (tears well up in his eyes). “But you can’t.”

Mum: “I know.”

Mum moves closer to hug Sam. She waits patiently for him to settle.

Mum: “Sam I really understand why you were upset. It’s okay to be mad. But I need you to know it’s never okay to slam your iPod down. It could get broken.”

Sam: “I know mum. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.”

Mum: “I know it’s hard. Those big feelings can feel very overwhelming. What do you think you could do next time you are feeling frustrated.”

Sam: “I could…….. etc.”

 

Notice how mum gave Sam her full attention and listened without judgment and without giving advice. She simply reflected back to Sam what he was saying to validate his feelings. Eventually Sam started to settle because he felt heard and understood. Her response then opened up a teachable moment, as Sam was the happy to discuss what he could do next time he felt frustrated.

(It may take a long time and constant repetition for Sam to learn to handle his frustrations, however he is now well on the way thanks to his mum).

Please Note: Sometimes it is better to talk to your child about an issue (such as not throwing one’s iPod) at another time. For example, when your child has medication on board or when there a less distractions around.