Porky Pies (Why Our Kids with ADHD May Tell Lies & How We Can Help Them)

 

All little kids may lie. However, some kids with ADHD tend to tell ‘porky pies’ more often than their neurotypical peers.

Like many parents, this frustrates and concerns me.

 

“Hey Jack, can you please pick up your Lego from the lounge room floor?”
“But I’ve already put my Lego away,”
“I think you missed some mate.”
“No, I didn’t! Someone else must have been playing with Lego too.”
(An invisible child perhaps?)

  

“Please don’t throw the ball in the house mate.”
“Okay.”
(Continues to throw the ball).
“Jack, I’ve asked you not to throw the ball in the house. Please take it outside.”
“I’m not! I stopped throwing it when you first asked me not to.”

 

It’s also hard for me to get my head around.

(Lying has never been an issue for me. Instead my ADHD tends to make me brutally honest and prone to ‘foot in mouth’ if I’m not careful).

As parents, it can be valuable to understand why our kids with ADHD may lie, as the rationale we attribute to our child’s challenging behaviour influences how we perceive them, as well as our parenting approach. So, let’s look at what contributes to this behaviour.

Firstly, kids with ADHD are more prone to telling lies due to their poor executive function or self-control. Therefore, they often:

• Speak without thinking through the consequences (due to having poor self-restraint).
• Forget the rules or break them unintentionally (due to their poor working memory).
• Can’t predict the hypothetical future by recalling what happened last time they lied or use this information to choose a more appropriate response in the present moment (due to poor working memory and an inability to plan and problem solve).

Secondly, as kid with ADHD:

• Often find themselves in trouble.
• Experience being in trouble as overwhelmingly and cripplingly painful due to their emotional regulation challenges.
• Want to avoid disappointing us,

they may also lie to avoid the negative consequence of their actions. For example, a child with ADHD may lie to avoid being yelled at or berated, as these experiences may induce fear or panic and/or contribute to feelings of shame or anxiety. (Interestingly, even calm redirection can be experienced negatively by a child with poor self-esteem and self-worth).

In other words, the lies most young kids with ADHD may tell do not result from sinister intentions. Rather they are a symptom of their ADHD, as well as a protective mechanism.

Another thing worth considering is that kids with ADHD may not always be aware of their falsehood and may in fact, believe they are telling the truth. This may occur, as whilst lost in his/her thoughts, they may have:

• Missed some of the instructions they were given.
• Imagined the story they gave you really happened.

So how can we teach our kids not to lie so we can trust them and they don’t experience the devastating repercussions that can result from this behaviour?

To start with, we need to avoid shaming or punishing our kids with ADHD. I know that may be difficult for some people to understand, however shame and punishment have been shown to damage trust and a child’s sense of self-worth, and therefore will likely increase a child’s desire to withhold information again in the future.

Talwar & Lee (2011) found children subjected to punitive discipline (characterised by harsh physical and/or verbal punishment) are more likely to lie to conceal their behaviour than those subjected to non-punitive discipline. They tend to also be more skilled at telling convincing lies, as well as at continuing the deception in order to keep their transgressions a secret.

Instead we can do the following:

Focus on the relationship we have with our kids.
Our relationship with our kids greatly influences their sense of security, as well as their desire to meet our expectations. That is, when a child feels safe, loved and understood; believes their parents understand their ADHD and will assume their positive intent; and can predict their parents will respond with patience and empathy (rather than inflict punitive/negative consequences), they are less likely to conceal the truth. They are also more likely to respect any consistent rules and expectations their parents set, and to respond more favourably to behaviour interventions. 

Ask them not to lie.
In order for our kids to understand what is expected of them, it helps if we explain to them the importance of trust, as well as how difficult it is to regain someone’s trust once it has been broken. If we catch them in a lie, we can then reinforce this by simply saying “It’s really important we tell each other the truth. Please tell me the truth. I won’t be mad.”

Respond with empathy and compassion.
As discussed above, it is important we remove any negative repercussions surrounding not telling the truth. Instead, we are more likely to get positive results if we listen with empathy and show compassion to our kids. We can do this by letting our kids know we understand the reason why they may have lied. To do this we might say, “It sounds like you struggled to remember what to do. Let’s figure out what you can do next time to help you remember.” Or “I can see you didn’t want to disappointment me by telling me you broke the plate. I want to assure you, you wouldn’t have disappointed me. Accidents happen to all of us. I’m just happy you didn’t get hurt.”

Anticipate any challenges.
To prevent our kids from lying, it also assists if we can avoid placing them in situations that may induce a lie. We can do this by ensuring any expectations we place upon our kids are realistic and achievable, and by proactively anticipating and putting in place strategies to help them overcome their challenges. For example, as kids with ADHD get distracted easily we could phrase requests in a way that enables us to monitor outcomes without directly asking them if they have completed a task (which reduces the temptation to lie). For example, we might say, “can you get dressed mate, then come back and show me when you are done?” or we could personally go and check up on their progress, rather than just calling out, “are you dressed yet?” from another room.

Role model and reinforce honesty.
As parent’s we are our kid’s greatest role models and can reinforce positive behaviour, including truth telling, by setting a good example for our kids. By praising and rewarding their honesty, and the honesty of others, we can also reinforce positive behaviour.

Do you have any helpful strategies to share? I’d love to hear them.

 

  

Reference

Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2011). A Punitive Environment Fosters Children’s Dishonesty: A Natural Experiment. Child Development, 82(6), 1751–1758.