As an Adult with ADHD, Are You Your Own Worst Enemy or Your Own Best Friend?

 

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”
~ Henry James

 

We’re all taught the “be kind to others” mantra from a very young age.

If someone’s hurting? Be kind. If your friend’s having a hard day? Be kind. When you meet strangers – be kind. If someone is being mean to you – still be kind.

As to this day, I still deeply value kindness.

In my heart of hearts, I want to be kind, as well as caring, compassionate, supportive, patient, empathetic, etc. I am sure you do too.

But let me ask you – as an adult with ADHD, are you kind to yourself?

I really hope so. But sadly, the response I am used to getting is “no.” And if I’m really honest, if you had asked me this question 10 years ago I would have answered “no” too.

You see before I decided to become my own best friend, I was MY OWN WORST ENEMY as I would constantly debilitate myself by saying the most horrible vile things to myself. I would also terrorise myself with my fears.

Why? Because my view of myself and of the world around me was negative and pessimistic. As like many adults who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, when I was younger I was unable to meet the expectations placed upon me and as a result was constantly in trouble and labeled “the naughty child.” 

Yep! Like others with undiagnosed ADHD, I received constant messages that I wasn’t good enough or that I wasn’t ‘cutting the mustard.’ From:

  “If you would just try harder.”

“Look before I leap.”

“Don’t be so selfish and think of someone else for once.”

“Gosh your a drama queen!”

 “If Louise would just stop talking and pay attention she would be a much better student.”

And sadly as a result, I internalised these messages.

(Constantly struggling socially and failing to achieve your goals is a great breeding ground for self-loathing, so of course I joined in and added a few of my own negative messages into the mix.)

These messages and how I felt about myself, then jumped on the ADHD run away train as my inability to control my thoughts and my emotional dysregulation challenges, meant at the drop of a hat I would go from here to catastrophe in 2.5 seconds or would spend an entire day ruminating. Both of which would feed my anxiety and decrease my self-esteem and self-worth even more.

It goes without saying, that I would never have thought of speaking to or treating others in the same way; yet without questioning the validity of my thoughts or realising I was doing myself any harm, I bullied myself over and over as if it was normal, natural and deserved.

“No nemesis required, the bully in my head has it nailed.” 

I am so grateful I evicted my self-bully and that I don’t buy into this crap anymore. I now know the real me, my strengths and my challenges, and most importantly I like myself (even love myself) warts and all.

I am acutely aware however, that many adults with ADHD, and kids for that matter, continue to be unkind to themselves as they still believe the negative messages they heard growing up.

For these individuals, the idea of being “your own best friend” remains a foreign concept, whilst liking (let alone loving yourself) is vetoed as something that only someone who is up themselves would do.

“How on earth can I do that when I:
Make so many mistakes?
Let a friend down?
Didn’t reach my goal?
Am stuck procrastinating?
Am not worthy?”

However, there isn’t a relationship in your life that is more important or that has more impact on your health and happiness, than the one you have with yourself.

So please make it a good one.

You have the power to be your own best friend or your own worst enemy. To lift yourself up or to tear yourself down. To support yourself through any challenges or to add to your stress and overwhelm. To empower yourself or completely take the wind out of your sails.

Therefore, I ask you to please stop giving credence to those old messages. (They’re not true. They never were. They came from misunderstanding and ignorance). And instead, I ask you to embrace the real you.

And to be kind to yourself. 

For YOU are worth it.